I like horses. They have shiny teeth.  You can feed them sugar cubes.  When it gets real hot they get all foamy.  A horse can’t sweat it just foams and if it gets too hot the foam comes out of their mouth.  Keep cranking up the heat and they get blood mane, fangs, and extremely bloodshot eyes.  Horses like that aren’t even afraid of fire.  Read the rest of this entry »

Sitting in the dark.  Nice and relaxed.  You’re both tired. The night is over. You follow her into the next room. Both moving through darkness, comfortable in your familiar surroundings. Without warning, she hits the lights and you can’t help shouting “Christ! You blew out my fuckin’ eye drums.”

This is the text message that I received from a family member on vacation.  I thought it was a joke at the expense of some hairy French Canadian visiting the Jersey Shore.  It turns out there was an actual ape brought to the beach to pose for tourist photos.

From what I hear, the beast was very gentle and everyone got to keep their faces.

This is an artist’s rendering of the result of  a hypothetical coupling between a fictional character named Billy Wizard, and  April.  The child appears to have a 14 head, crippled up fingers, a spray tan, and a frightening toy bear who loves sweets.  Billy Wizard is a skinny old man drawing who has a dog who has laser eyes. April is a regular human female whom I do not know. The bear is stuffed with fiberglass. The child is a show stopper.

Hey! Did you see that movie the Wrestler?  Yeah me too.  It wasn’t as good as that cartoon back in the 80’s that had Hulk Hogan and all his friends on the good guys team and then on the bad guys team was the Iron Sheik and all his guys.  That’s pretty much all I remember about that cartoon.  It’s more that I can remember about that movie.  I was never into wrestling except for in the 80s’s.  I think it was because my Mom hated it that I wanted to watch it.  I think every kid goes through that where you want to be into something if your mom hates it.  It’s weird though because she hated Michael Jackson and I also hated Michael Jackson.  My sister had one of those red thriller jackets though.  That was kind of cool and funny all at once.  I wish she knew how to breakdance really good.  Then we could have had all these crazy picture of at her dance recitals doing that turtle spin or whatever those poppers and lockers can do. I hated Michael Jackson so much.

One day there was practically a riot in 3rd grade.  Some of the kids were on the Joan Jett “I love Rock and Roll” team and then the others were on the Michael Jackson “Beat It” team.  We had a record player in class and everyone was scratching records and switching then and yelling.  Then I remember running up to the blackboard and tearing this girl’s Michael Jackson poster down.  I guess it was a pretty expensive poster.  It’s kind of scary what parents can get their kids to believe. 

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It wake up.

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Attention horror movie makers. Enough with the loud noises.  They are a poor replacement for talent. You probably  put those loud noises in there because you know that you are boring the audience, and you don’t want us to doze off for too long, but alarm clocks are only scary at 5:45 AM when you have to get up for work. 

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As a boy I idolized Fonzie from Happy Days.  The Fonz was the coolest guy. He taught me that you can fix things by punching them.  I don’t know how many tvs I fixed by giving them a good punch.  And he would always put his thumbs up and say aaaaayyyy. 

At my first job, I worked with this guy who drove a powder blue ford escort.  He was the kind of guy who played football, but only because his Dad made him.  The kind of guy who would after work open his car door, sit down with his legs hanging out of the car and take his boots off while saying “man my dogs are barking tonight” He was practically another Fonz.

When a Fonzie gives you advice, you listen.  According to Fonzie, you can never trust a woman.

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Pasta Tagliatelle is Black People!?!

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Pants on the ground is a life changing song it helps young people not kill theyselves after seeing Avatar the most saddest movie of our generation, says Billy Wizard who demands retribution for the sins against his people. His retribution comes every weds in the mail and cashed it and says he just got back another teeny tiny piece of his soul from the crippled marine who tricked his people for the man he mostly drinks stuff he calls fire water that he makes in the garage and sometimes dogs get killed when they sneak in and drink it, he says it is because they avatars grown in test tubes yo got to has soooul to be able to drink it or you gonna die. He gives laser dog bong hits. Because he is a real dog and he guards Billy Wizard’s shit from me. I think he thinks it will fix his poor broke down laser.

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Recently re-Animated dead prez Abraham Lincoln is planning on jumping back in the spotlight this spring.

In a recent interview Lincoln told Emtoast.com “I’m working on a new reality show and a talk show, going back to high school .  I got a talk show coming, yall aint’ going to be mad at ya boy.”

Lincoln first caught the reality tv bug when he appeared on VH1’s “The Surreal Life”

Lincoln is now going on to start his own reality series “Love Me Lincoln” following a similar format to ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘Flavor of Love’.

Lincoln first gained his stardom as the 16th president of the United states from March 1861 until his assassination in April 1865.  He is known for sporting his trademark beard around his neck.

A clinic operated by the University of California-Irvine may have been involved in illegal alien embryo transfer in 1998.

Records indicate that extraterrestrial embryos were implanted into human hosts without consent.  There is no clear indication as to the number of embryos implanted.

The scandal appears to be part of an alien colonization attempt.

According to the 1/11 SACRAMENTO BEE at least 600 patients have been victimized.

I know a guy who gets into a lot of fights, and nearly every story he tells about them contains a “tough guy” in a pink shirt.  These pink shirt guys all seem to be assholes who are nasty to waitresses, say rude things to girls at bars, and bully just about anyone who is weaker then them.  They pick on the weak, then  most of the time all somebody has to say to them is something like “Nice shirt.. do they make it in men’s?” to shut them down.

That doesn’t always work though and I think a couple of them ended up knocked out  and piled up behind a TGI Fridays dumpster.