Big Clark was one of the greatest singers of the 20th century. The key to becoming a superior singer is hot dog grease. It lubricates your vocal cords and increases your range.

Clark said, “That was my secret to success when I was singing all the songs on my 1973 vinyl release “Dick Clark “20 Years of Rock N’ Roll”

They used to put my songs on the back of cereal boxes. Can you imagine? It’s all thanks to that hot dog grease.

Belgian tourist, Julio Prejean, witnessed the terrorizing occurrence while vacationing in Honolulu, Hawaii.

Prejean told police, “It was a safe and happy afternoon. After we hiked up to Diamond Head for some sight seeing. We drove up to the shrimp truck, it’s a little catering truck, for some lunch.

We noticed a lot of feral cats circling around. I asked the shrimp truck worker about it and he told me that each day after lunch it was their policy to dump the leftovers near the beach. The feral cats are a local attraction and it keeps the tourists coming. I started taking some pictures with my phone of the cats. They looked unusual. The whole group of them was piling onto each other, salivating, and became a sort of pulsating mound. The closer I got the more stressed they became. I backed off. A woman in a bathing suit who didn’t seem to notice their behavior walked right up to them and tried to hand feed them a garlic lemon shrimp. I don’t know if it was the garlic, the bikini, or what but the cat mound exploded at her. Before anybody knew what was happening they took her down and dragged her off. I tried to snap off a couple pictures, but couldn’t get a clear one. You know how they show cats fighting in a cartoon where it’s just a bit cloud with claws coming out here and there? It was something like that.”

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Our turkey who art in heaven,

hollow be thy breast.

Thy stuffing come

Thy meats be done

on plates as it is in heaven.

Thank you this day for bloated guts,

and forgive us our passed gasses,

as we forgive those who pass gass against us,

and lead us not into indigestion,

but deliver us from hunger.

 

Amen. 

(Adapted from the Lord’s Prayer with permission from God)

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Late 90′s art icon It Come has resurfaced at The Sanctuary of Mercy Church near the Spanish city of Zaragoza.

As was recently reported in the Daily News, an 80 year old woman decided restoration efforts of 19th Century Spanish Fresco “Ecce Homo” were taking too long.  She transformed the fresco depicting Jesus with his crown of thorns into the monkey faced savior and internet meme known as “Ecce Mono.” The BBC likened the repair to “a crayon sketch of a very hairy monkey in an ill-fitting tunic.”

Art Historians who conferred with the woman determined that due to the nature of the materials the woman used, “Ecce Homo” could not be restored to its original state.

A wealthy parishioner, Mr. India Charlie, convinced Sanctuary of Mercy Church officials to allow him to commission the infamous It Come to restore the work as “Ecce Homunculus” or “Behold the Golem”

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A shocking and offensive ad campaign has been rolled out across 18 Catholic universities in the United States featuring a Jesus figure in sexually provocative poses and situations.  The first in a series of three advertisements appearing thus far shows a provocatively posed Jesus like figure saying “Come on baby… condoms are for heathens.” 

Another shows a Jesus like figure saying, “Where would I be if my Dad had used a condom?”

The third shows a temptress saying, “Come back! Please… it’s just a little condom.”

And a Jesus like figure pushing her away with his hand saying, “Be gone heathen temptress! Catholics do it raw dog!”

After a public outcry, the group responsible for the posters “The Catholic Sexual Actions Commission” issued the following statement:

“We are responsible for these advertisements.  The figure in the photos is not Jesus.  This man in the photos simply represents the sexual embodiment of the Catholic Church.   He is a man who is so close to God that he has taken on the appearance of his son.  A man who like Jesus does not succumb to the devilish temptations of the condom.  This will speak to hearts and minds of the young people on campus.  They must remember, if you are unmarried and your partner suggests using a condom, you must consult with the clergy.   As Catholics, sex outside of marriage is not possible.  If your partner is suggesting condom use at the pre-marriage stage, you must consult the clergy.  Only your clergy can to advise you if dating this person will result in an unholy union.   If you are married and your partner is suggesting to use a condom, they are likely infected with AIDS attempting to hide the infection.  You are most likely already infected by the virus, but do not forget you are still not infected by wicked prophylactics. Protect your soul and do not under any circumstance use a condom.”

The Vatican has yet to comment whether it supports the commission or the ad campaign.

Forget World War III, that’s so 80′s. The real threat is the Carly Simon Wars.

Marily Manson, interviewed on Omaha Nebraka’s Todd-nTyler Radio Empire, told  Todd n Tyler that Carly Simon’s teeth are bigger on the left side.  Manson had recently teamed up with actor Johnny Depp  to cover Simon’s “You’re So Vain,”  and  this became an inside joke during recordings.

Manson later disappeared for six weeks and was only recently discovered at Simon’s private detainee camp. Simon is reportedly holding Manson, Depp, ex-husband James Taylor and many other celebrities who have crossed her over the years.  It is even rumored that detainees are forced to eat their own feces while she screams you’re so vain you probably think your shit tastes like hot dogs don’t you, DON”T YOU!

A celebrity militia assembled by General Dr. Drew Pinsky and Lietenant Gary Busey are set to mount a counter attack against Carly and her seemingly endless army of clones which she refers to as “Car-loans”.  They plan to free their celebrity friends, and bring Simon to justice at the Celebrety Rehab Incarceration Center.

Carly has stated publicly that she will bring down any celebrity, politician, government, or any one else that goes against her.  She has declared war on the world.  To make matters worse, the Car-loans became self aware at 9:15 am and they thought the war was all about them.

The Carly Simon wars have begun.

Thous ist homeless and shall work for morsels sir.

Wilst work for Morsels.  George Will Slept Here and he will enjoy morthels of meats because he will be the King of the United S States

Medieval illiterate homeless people were fooked up and predicted future presidents and other people’s homelessness.  You’re homeless mister and will work for food.

Also Steve Jobs went into the future and created apples, but before that he predicted Geoge Washington becoming the king of the United states because he cut down an apple tree and shot apples off peoples heads because  he was also William Tell.

Steve Jobs was an illiterate homeless medieval phone maker. .

Video above, and below is the transcript of Steven Hawking’s terrifying 911 call during his ordeal in a squatch nest:

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency?

(Screaming of students)

STEPHEN HAWKING: Oh my god, the squatches are upon us!

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Forget the tip. We Need Singles & Newport and Gilrfriend.

Spotted at Hess Station in Northern NJ.

The ghost of Ronald Reagan is haunting the Whitehouse, quite literally. He first appeared to Obama while he was literally on the toilet.  Reagan’s ghost whispered to Obama, “Get out while you still can” then literally made it rain jelly beans.

Reagan’s ghost literally preys on the Obama’s fears of childhood obesity and literally  fills the kids shoes with cookies, their pillowcases with marshmallow, and literally replaces their toothpaste with molasses.  The kids literally wake up and say, “We love you mister President.  You’re the real President.  My daddy doesn’t let me eat molasses” He is literally turning their children against them.

Obama staffers are saying that he is literally so rattled that he is afraid to even sleep at the Whitehouse. He literally drives home to Illinois nearly every weekend just to get some rest.  Literally.

In the great year of 1978, women were freed from their bloody bondage by the invention of a simple wax coated bag.  Headband cycling, bikini tanning, armpit scratch tennis matches, and teapotting were just a few activities that tampon bags allowed women to enjoy during menstruation.  With the invention of the wax coated necessity bag women threw off their bloody shackles.  Before the bag, the disposal of feminine hygiene products kept women chained to their toilets.  Today women don’t have to sit home and bleed. They are free to go out and bleed everywhere…on park benches, at restaurants, on the sand at the beach, sidewalks, and department stores.

Whereas once women had to spend three days on the toilet in a nest of paper towels, now they could fly like eagles shitting rocks and bones on people’s cars breaking their windshields.

On Oct 18, 2011 dozens of wild and dangerous animals were let loose from a private zoo in Zanesville, OH.  Most were shot and killed in order to protect the public.  Ohio is one of less than 10 states with no laws regulating private animal ownership.  This jeopardizes public safety and animal welfare.

What this incident has also brought to light is that Ohio is 1 of 50 states with zero regulation on exotic monster ownership. The following fact sheet illustrates recent monster attacks from Ohio alone.  Please help protect our monsters and the public,  support the ban on private ownership of vampires, werewolves, zombies and other dangerous creatures.

FACT SHEET

Recent Monster Incidents in Ohio Demonstrate Risks to Public Health and Safety, Human Welfare

October 2011 (Muskingum County): 48 creatures, including werewolves, vampires, Ghosts, Dinosaurs, Aliens, Moth Men, and a 3000 year old mummy escaped from a Zanesville property.

September 2011 (Green Camp): A man was hospitalized after being attacked and repeatedly bitten in the face and upper body by a  hungry vampire at an exotic creature breeding farm.

December 2006 (Tuscarawas County): A boy lost his left arm when he put his hand into a blob’s cage at his grandfather’s ranch to pet it. (See Photo Above)

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Around midnight on April 25th, a 32 year old man ran into a police station in his underwear asking for protection from his wife.  Three minutes later the wife showed up in lingerie  looking for the husband.  The police offered her a jacket to cover up with.

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EMToast contributor Toe Fu has taken on an ambitious photo project for video game shirt company Meat Bun. He’s got people modeling the t-shirts in dilapidated old abandoned buildings.  One of the models most probably got tetanus from stepping on a rusty nail.  A couple of the other ones have permanent lung damage from breathing in asbestos. How does Toe Fue convince them to do it? Check the gallery and maybe you’ll find out.  The kid’s got talent. WARNING there may be raccoons in the walls.

Toe Fu says “I recently shot the lookbook for video game t-shirt company Meat Bun. The lineup includes fresh takes on classics like Forgotten Worlds, Mega Man, Metroid, and Pinbot.”

http://meatbun.us/clothing/the-year-20xx/

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life …
Never make a pretty woman your wife …
So from my personal point of view …
Get an ugly girl to marry you …
Though her face is ugly, her eyes don’t match …
Take it from me, she’s a better catch …

lyrics to If You Wanna Be Happy / Jimmy Soul

Jimmy Soul had it right, and the good people at EMToast.com have a new program to help you win the homely hearts of these beastly gals.

The “Secrets Of Dating Beastly Women” program explains how to attract ugly women and date the hard-featured girls you desire, whether your preference is disfigured girls, repulsive girls, monstrous girls, dog or horse faced girls, revolting hairy armed women, or any other type of grotesque woman. The tactics you will learn in this program show you how to pick up the downtrodden in Philadelphia, Detroit, Arkansas, Georgia, Altoona, Newark and of course in your own hometown! You’ll learn the most powerful “insider secrets” for dating undesirable women and how to attract beasts without clever pickup lines or any knowledge, culture, or social skills. No matter where you are from, if you want to attract and date more hideous women, forget the bars–you are going to have to go to Walmart. EMToast students have reported amazing results from using these techniques to get ugly girls and pick up ugly women in laundry mats and recycling centers, but also in urologists offices and libraries. You’ll learn how to pick up grotesque women at the mall, the yarn store, the dollar store parking lot, or anywhere else that irregular merchandise can be found.

Look, if you’d like to know how to meet ugly girls, there are several things to need to realize that will make it easier for you to meet ugly girls and get phone numbers and dates. Read the rest of this entry »

A new study conducted by Station Park Cancer Hospital has shown that between the years 1973 and 2010 ninety-nine percent of people diagnosed with bowel, bladder, lung, or brain cancer had eaten peanut butter or were related to someone who had. It is still too early to tell what the exact link is, but scientists are determined to find it, even if it means asking questions like how often patients ate peanut butter and in combination with what other foods.

Dr. Erdnuss Arahide who first discovered the potential cancer link states, “Peanut butter is dangerous. With further research I hope to discover if peanut butter alone is the catalyst or if it’s a deadly reaction between peanut butter and other foods.  We could be contacting the FDA, and peanut butter could be banned from store shelves within the month.  It has already been banned in some schools due to childhood peanut allergies. If we can prove that it causes cancer, the ban will definitely be nationwide. We can’t eradicate peanut butter,  just like we can’t eradicate cigarettes.  No one can tell you what to do with your body, but they can tell you that you can’t eat peanut butter in public.”

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Why sell to HorseVestors?

See what our customers have to say:

Horse Vestors Understood My Unique Situation
“…HorseVestors seemed to understand my unique situation. I found them open to discussion.  I broke my horses back making him drag oil barrels filled concrete around for no reason.  Horsevestors bought that horse before the ASPCA ever even found out.”

- Hope Taylor, Strick, MO

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Press Release – August 11th, 2011

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT:
Randall Stott
emtoast@emtoast.com.com

NEW ‘BLEEP YOUR BOSS’ REALITY SHOW HITS CLACKAMAS, OREGON
Clackamas, OR – EMToast Entertainment is proud to announce the development of BLEEP YOUR BOSS, a new reality show guaranteed to get folks talking everywhere. Created and developed by the show’s executive producer Francesca Stottingham, Ms. Stott is the only bi-polar borderline personality female owner of a TV Studio with international distribution in the city of Clackamas. This BOSS’ show presents women of psychosis in a dignified light. They possess a strong sense of family, business acumen—and more importantly—the ability to unhinge their minds and BLEEP their bosses to succeed. Read the rest of this entry »

How do you know if you’re a hoarder?  Here are the 10 telltale signs that indicate hoarding behavior.  

1.  If you have more than one of the same thing,  you are a hoarder.  This includes plates, spoons and socks.  You have a symptom.

2. If you read through the entire newspaper before throwing it out, you are a hoarder.  You don’t need all that paper laying around.  Get it out of here!

3.  If you save mp3 files on your computer, Ipod,  or laptop you are a hoarder.  Information wants to be free, but so does your hard drive.  Delete them all you hoarder.  Keep yourself out of jail.

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A local restaurant faxed their lunch menu to the office of a friend with an unusual lunch special– Rip Rourin Crap Soup.   The friend faxed the restaurant back a note inquiring “Whose Crap? What Kind of Crap?” They received no response.

A call was later placed to the restaurant.   Before even saying hello, the person who answered yelled “It’s CRAB SOUP!” and hung up. It seems the soup special was generating a lot of interest.  The actual menu is below with some added blurs to protect the restaurant. Read the rest of this entry »

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul.  But what if the eyes you are looking into have no soul behind them?  It has been said that if you look into the eyes of a killer, you are looking into hell.  A woman working at a pet rescue looked directly into the eyes of a puppy killer looking to adopt his next victim and she went directly to hell.

Her co-worker describes “She was standing there, looking into that guys eyes.  She looked a little too long trying to figure out what he was up to.  I blinked my eyes, then she was gone.  After that I could sort of hear her screaming and I swear she said help me I am in hell.”

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Winter’s Bone is the title of a movie, but do you know what Winters Bone means?

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If there’s one thing I learned from Pac-Man it’s that the fruit is a trap.  You might think it’s a good idea to go after a couple juicy cherries, a strawberry, orange, or apple but nine times out of ten it’ll just end up getting you killed by ghosts.  That’s why I never eat fruit.  I won’t even drink fruit juice a.k.a. ghost blood.

As you may know, the act of biting into a fruit releases the trapped souls hidden inside.  The more seeds the fruit has, the more ghosts will be released.  I once bit into an apple and eight spectres were haunting me for weeks.

Research shows that fully seeded Watermelon is the most dangerous fruit.  I heard about a guy who swallowed a watermelon seed and a baby ghost got into his gut.   That think would scream and cry all day and all night from his insides. He lost his job, his wife, his house, even his mistress left him.  A woman ate just one slice of watermelon and had the ghosts of 13 construction workers haunting here with their whistles and whoops every time she put on a skirt.

Even if fruit is left to rot, the ghosts can sometimes manifest as fruit flies.  Nobody really knows how or why the ghosts get into the fruit.  Many believe they are absorbed through the human remains left in the soil.

The only thing we know for sure is that the one fruit that is safe from haunting is the tomato.  Even though those know-it-all scientists tell us the tomato is a fruit, nobody believes them, including ghosts.

P.S. Pretzels are a fruit.

photo credit: Visentico / SentoIf