Aries- your elderly dad thinks you are an asshole. Prove him right and live down to his expectations dear Aries and send him to a nursing home then never visit until it is time to identify the body and collect his personal belongings.

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ARIES–you are going to encounter the corpse of GG Allin in a Starbucks on Wednesday. He is going to hold up the line ordering something that doesn’t exist in this reality, do not interfere or he will shit on you.

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Aries-On Thursday you will be dreaming about a werewolf plane being made love to by a screaming plane and then  wake up to a hairless rat’s white hot nut sack pressing into your neck.

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in 2009

ARIES: Everyone hates the boss at some time or another, but they can usually get by without call her a snake mouthed mother fucker to her face, remember that.

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ARIES: Don’t count on getting shit for Christmas, Santa has had it with you. You know, you have been pretty lucky so far,  he hasn’t beat you. You been pretty lucky…remember that.

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ARIES- The less you say the more intelligent people will think you are, well the less chances you have you have to say stupid shit will surely benefit you.  So shhhhhhhhh little Aries…You are the master of your silence. Read the rest of this entry »

Aries: Your life has become as complicated as a Marble Madness diagram. The planetary alignment of Pluto and Uranus is telling you to, “Slow it down you little shit!”

Capricorn: You might be tempted to serve up a beat down 1970′s style with some klick klacks. Careful because you are bound to hit yourself right in your goddamn lip. Read the rest of this entry »

ARIES- The alignment of the planets suggests you might be thinking of making your crush a token of affection from your genital carpeting and fingernail clippings. Don’t. A foray into effluvial artistry will only cause you shame and degradation along with court costs

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ARIES: This is your week to shine dear Aries. Put people in their places and let them know who is top dog. Don’t expect them to like it and be prepared for a few slashed tires.

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Capricorn-

Remember it is better to kick someone in the back than to punch him or her in the face. You can even kick them in the back of the knees while you’re at it. You are going to learn a valuable lesson on Wednesday, and it could possibly involve beavers.

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Aries You should get out this week and mingle. You will ring the Eskimo to meet you at the station; you will go to a fascinating social event on Wednesday with the Eskimo, Oh he’s like milk to you half Swedish and half Asian.  You take a drive together, and you spin like the Cadillac was overturning down a cliff on television, and the radio is on and the radioman is speaking and the radioman says women were a curse, and you agree

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• Aries You are probably going to be gored by a ram, for your competitive arrogance. You will be asking yourself some questions this week like What can you find in parade? What can you find a rave? What can be drunk in a dream? What the hell is a Tchaparian?

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ARIES- People are going to hate your guts this week, and it might have something to do with the things hovering around Uranus. This week will prove to be lonely; you may as well be living in a crater on the moon. Take heart and buck up little Aries. Don’t take your love to town just yet, unless you plan on checking driver’s licenses. Be on the look out for people who are not what they say they are and dogs that eat lipgloss.

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Aries You’re feeling lucky this week, well, you are not. Black tie events are in your future, don’t screw it up. Beware of large dogs bearing gifts on Friday. A chance meeting with a Scorpio will have you in a rage on the 27th.  Stay away from psychic vampires this week.

Cancer The person you have latched onto as your meal ticket will be exiting the picture. Fear not dear Cancer, with some misinformation you could find yourself on easy street again. By mid week the voices in your head  will be very persuasive, heed their advice on the 25th. A dark family secret will rear it’s transgendered head by Friday.

Taurus If you’re not careful those dust bunnies you’ve been ignoring for so long under the bed will prove to fatal. Clear out the dark corners in your life on the 23rd. Thursday will be an adventure and introduction to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. The yellow pages will reveal the answer to a question you’ve been pondering for some time.

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Aries Your intestinal fortitude will be put to the test by weeks end. Fret not dear Aries those parasites can’t last forever, or can they? Best to stay away from tacos for the next 3 lunar cycles. Be on guard against Robotic attacks until further notice.

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