There are hundreds of horrors that greet us everyday in the office.  From sneezing babies, to prehistoric insects, you just never know what will greet you on a monday morning.  EMToast.com has surveyed thousands of cubicle jockeys and narrowed it down to the top two most terrifying office horrors.  Now it’s up to you to decide what’s more horrible.  Finding an ass dragging werewolf pulling itself down those plush gray office carpets or seeing that a baby faced creep is now your new manager.  Even if he is a family man, you must decide…

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It’s a battle to the death between two alien 80’s tv show icons.  Peaceful Mork from Ork or the vicious Cat Eating Alf?

Both tell bad jokes, both had sitcoms, action figures, and cartoons.  But which one would win in a streetfight? It’s up to you to decide.

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If you look at this picture quick doesn’t it look like the girl is pulling up her shirt?  If you don’t see it, try walking across the room and looking at it again.  Or squint you eyes.  Turns out it’s just some creep wearing a grey denim jacket who’s got  a random breast implantee in a choke hold.  I also like how the friend doesn’t have a neck . She’s got her tits out to try to hide it, but we all know she’s still a real life weeble wobble.  Just try knocking her ass down.  She’ll wobble, but she wont’ fall down.

When you start a new job, some terrible things happen to your mind.  You may find that you can no longer rest as easily as you did before.  Anxious thoughts creep in, keeping you up nights.

After several sleepness nights, you start to look for solutions.  Some will recommend benadryl or Nyquil.  These work, but leave you feeling groggy the next day.

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It happens every day.

This phenomena, it comes without warning, without  reason.

People go to work, not to work but to spend, to sell, to barter, or trade.

Money changes hands and goods are exchanged, Mary Kay, Pampered Chef, Avon, Girl Scout cookies, Sex toys, Chocolates, Percocets, Longaberger Baskets, Cigarettes…

Sometimes they even take your money and you get nothing in return. Read the rest of this entry »

Spam has changed.  It used to be a lot more fun.  Messages about discount watches, and viagra, and 13 foot ejaculation used to be followed with large blocks of wondrous and nonsensical text.  Text that was used for artistic ventures such as spam poetry and spam radio.  But that’s so 2003.  I barely even see spam anymore and I get the feeling the spammers have given up.  They don’t feel creative anymore.  Their spirits broken by increasingly good spam filters.

If you’re feeling nostalgic for the good old days of spam, why not check out some of the best of spam radio at www.spamradio.net

Here is an excerpt of what you will find there.

“Wilma sucks a beast – Very explicit, yet full of romance.
13ft ejaculation – Who knew that distance was so important?
Camgirl – All sounds very innocent.
Roll up, roll up – Free free free free free.”

photo credit: JasonRogers

Step 1: Get an old electric weedwacker. (Preferably one your Dad finds for you on the garbage.)

Step 2: Plug in your weedwacker and cut down the longest grass you can find.  Ornamental grass works best. Make sure the grass gets all wrapped around the spinning axle part so it spins really slow. Read the rest of this entry »

Chances are if you work in an office environment you are always being watched to make sure you aren’t surfing the net or making personal phone calls or doing anything that could be categorized as slacking off.

Slacking off can be very rewarding, but it can also be very dangerous. If you aren’t careful about it it could cost you your job.

Maybe your job is too easy and you finish most of your work in the first 2 hours of the day and you have 6 hours of free time, and you aren’t an idiot and do not want to alert management to the fact that you could use some extra work. Or your job doesn’t pay as much as you think you should get paid so you only do as much as you get paid for so you find yourself with a lot of extra time on your hands.

What do you do?

No matter how you fill your time at work, the key is to always look busy.

Here are 12 Tips you can’t live without:

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There are a lot of albums from 10-20 years ago that when I listen to now sound better to me than almost anything else. My theory is that it’s all in the repetition.

I once dated a girl who honestly didn’t like getting new music.  Once I bought her a new album and she was disappointed.  She said it took her too long to get used to something new.  In a way she was onto something.  Some albums click right away.  Others you have to listen to repeatedly before you love them.   But if you listen to them enough they can become part of you.

When you listen to something enough times, you really get to know it.  You begin to hear and appreciate things you didn’t hear before.  You derive pleasure knowing that a certain bass line or guitar solo is coming up.  You can’t wait for a lyric or chorus. If you listen to it on a different stereo or headphones, it’s a different, even new, listening experience.

This is the danger in listening to bad music.  If you expose yourself to something long enough, you adjust and become used to it.  After a while, you might even come to like it. One of my darkest times when I found myself working at a warehouse and being forced to listen to the Backstreet Boys over the PA over and over and coming to the realization that I had inadvertently memorized the words.  Luckily I escaped liking the music. Read the rest of this entry »

We’ve all seen these workplace voodoo kits, they show up at Christmas parties and birthdays, and everyone gets a laugh and pretends that it’s funny and they pretend that they  don’t really want to kill their boss.

Well, Fuck that shit!

I wanted to find out what would happen if you got some bonifide voodoo  going on in the work place.

So I did some research on Hoodoo, Obeah, Voodoun, Palo myombe, Santeria and the like.

Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Internet,

Sometimes I wish Al Gore never ate that quarter pound of ‘shrooms and invented you. Before you came along, I took pride in and enjoyed being part of little movements and sub-cultures that molded me into the man child I am today. Those are all near extinct thanks to your infinite vaginal squirting of information and easily available tools to create instant cool in the youth of today.

I know this may all sound like bitter old man banter or maybe even elitist, but fuck it. I’m 100% anti-ego and have the self esteem of a sea slug, but I can flaunt that I know my shit. Coming up as a kid with heavy interests in music there was no world wide web for me to turn to and have some pretentious music site or hipster blog fill me in on what’s “now” or whatever trend is fashionable. I had to earn it. No free full musical library downloads to give me immediate cred. It was about actively seeking new labels and artists and taking chances with your limited funds to hopefully stumble upon something fresh. Read the rest of this entry »

With the new fall tv season just ready to go, my REM sleeping mind has decided that my own personal broadcasts are ready to go back on the air.  Last night’s episode was a good one.  The beginning was a little slow, not really worth mentioning.I wasn’t paying too much attention to the middle of the show either, but the ending was insane.

The show finale involved a large group of criminals escaping from the scene of a crime.  You know the drill.  People running everywhere, scattering into separate escape vehicles.  One hardened criminal drove away with a woman hanging on the side of his door.  She wasn’t even involved in the crime, just an innocent bystander.  Scared by the gunshots, she wanted to get away anyway she could.   The next shot was of the woman still hanging on the outside of the car, only now the criminal and she were in the middle of an intense lip-lock session.  In a show of love, the criminal took her hand, he moved his hand in a way that they held his weapon together, aiming at the office driving the police cruiser behind them.  He was trying to bring her into his world. make her like him.   She accepted, not thinking of the consequences.  The man squeezed her finger, firing the weapon at the officer.  The officer ducked, revealing in the back seat behind him a woman and her baby which the bystander has just been forced to shoot.

Can’t wait to see what happens next episode.

Sometimes when you decide to be a baker you aren’t a good mixer and when you make cakes and things the batter has all those secret lumps of bitter things like baking soda and powder and cream of tartar, things that hurt your salivary glands.  I bet you didn’t know that those secret bitter lumps are where the souls of cakes are housed.

So the next time you are a baker and your mixing skills aren’t so hot and someone has the audacity to complain about tiny cream of tartar landmines in  a cake that was baked for them for free, just point out that they just ate the cake’s soul,  and it is a very rare thing to be able to devour a cake soul because many things have to align at the very moment of batter conception to guide your hand to miss the mixing and allow a cake soul to come into being. They should be honored and have some dignity, after all you don’t see Shiva devouring souls and then complaining that the are all bitter and powdery, and he eats his soul worlds at a time.

And seriously,what the fuck do you expect a soul to taste like, cotton candy? You’re lucky it doesn’t taste like dorian fruit.  Look here, don’t expect anymore cakes from me, and you know what don’t ever  talk to me again you ungrateful soul eating son of a bitch. Good Day Sir!

You’re going to have to go somewhere else for your cake needs

try 1-800-mulletcake