Whether you’re sure someone is dying this year, or you just hope they are, be sure to wish them a Happy Final Birthday!

I overheard some hipsters talking at the flea market. The one hipster says to the other hipster , “One thing I’ll never be able to get behind again is VHS tapes.”

Kid you were never behind VHS tapes.  We were there from the beginning, renting copies Alien’s Deadly Spawn and any other random Horror movie that looked slightly interesting.  If you were behind VHS you adjusted your tracking with a knob, not a button, and you didn’t care if you were fucking up the rental tape rewinding the good part over and over.  That part was already buzzing the tape heads and showing white lines anyway.  You just hoped it didn’t break because tapes cost hundreds of dollars to replace due to high licensing costs.  You were behind VHS if your parents bought an $800 Toshiba toploader from the electronics store in town when they definitely could not afford it and they made it clear, you better not fuck it up.

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If there’s one thing I learned from Pac-Man it’s that the fruit is a trap.  You might think it’s a good idea to go after a couple juicy cherries, a strawberry, orange, or apple but nine times out of ten it’ll just end up getting you killed by ghosts.  That’s why I never eat fruit.  I won’t even drink fruit juice a.k.a. ghost blood.

As you may know, the act of biting into a fruit releases the trapped souls hidden inside.  The more seeds the fruit has, the more ghosts will be released.  I once bit into an apple and eight spectres were haunting me for weeks.

Research shows that fully seeded Watermelon is the most dangerous fruit.  I heard about a guy who swallowed a watermelon seed and a baby ghost got into his gut.   That think would scream and cry all day and all night from his insides. He lost his job, his wife, his house, even his mistress left him.  A woman ate just one slice of watermelon and had the ghosts of 13 construction workers haunting here with their whistles and whoops every time she put on a skirt.

Even if fruit is left to rot, the ghosts can sometimes manifest as fruit flies.  Nobody really knows how or why the ghosts get into the fruit.  Many believe they are absorbed through the human remains left in the soil.

The only thing we know for sure is that the one fruit that is safe from haunting is the tomato.  Even though those know-it-all scientists tell us the tomato is a fruit, nobody believes them, including ghosts.

P.S. Pretzels are a fruit.

photo credit: Visentico / SentoIf

They say fried food is a killer.  I doubt it. The grease is just good for your whole body. Read the rest of this entry »

THINKING… that’s how people get killed.

A public service statement from EMToast.

photo credit: Focal Intent

This is the text message that I received from a family member on vacation.  I thought it was a joke at the expense of some hairy French Canadian visiting the Jersey Shore.  It turns out there was an actual ape brought to the beach to pose for tourist photos.

From what I hear, the beast was very gentle and everyone got to keep their faces.

Hey! Did you see that movie the Wrestler?  Yeah me too.  It wasn’t as good as that cartoon back in the 80’s that had Hulk Hogan and all his friends on the good guys team and then on the bad guys team was the Iron Sheik and all his guys.  That’s pretty much all I remember about that cartoon.  It’s more that I can remember about that movie.  I was never into wrestling except for in the 80s’s.  I think it was because my Mom hated it that I wanted to watch it.  I think every kid goes through that where you want to be into something if your mom hates it.  It’s weird though because she hated Michael Jackson and I also hated Michael Jackson.  My sister had one of those red thriller jackets though.  That was kind of cool and funny all at once.  I wish she knew how to breakdance really good.  Then we could have had all these crazy picture of at her dance recitals doing that turtle spin or whatever those poppers and lockers can do. I hated Michael Jackson so much.

One day there was practically a riot in 3rd grade.  Some of the kids were on the Joan Jett “I love Rock and Roll” team and then the others were on the Michael Jackson “Beat It” team.  We had a record player in class and everyone was scratching records and switching then and yelling.  Then I remember running up to the blackboard and tearing this girl’s Michael Jackson poster down.  I guess it was a pretty expensive poster.  It’s kind of scary what parents can get their kids to believe. 

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Attention horror movie makers. Enough with the loud noises.  They are a poor replacement for talent. You probably  put those loud noises in there because you know that you are boring the audience, and you don’t want us to doze off for too long, but alarm clocks are only scary at 5:45 AM when you have to get up for work. 

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Children’s Literature is the last course I ever imagined I’d take.  Yet there I was, analyzing Curious George in my last semester of community college.  I was working full time at one job, going to school 3 nights a week and there weren’t any night other options to fulfill the English requirement.  I was still ashamed. I think the point of the class was to discuss different children’s books and their values.  Most of the kids in the class seemed to have taken the course because they actually liked children’s books.

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On the old 1970’s Incredible Hulk TV show with Bill Bixby and Lou Ferigno, there was an episode where this old man was taking some kind of special arthritis treatments and he turned into another hulk.  I remember thinking how crazy and weird it was that there was this skinny tall old man hulk fighting the regular Hulk.  What was this skinny old man with green make-up doing fighting the Hulk?  Something about it just didn’t seem right to me, but even so the concept always stuck with me.  The Hulk was already a perversion.  A freak.  So how can you make a freakier freak?  Age him.  That usually works.

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I know a guy who gets into a lot of fights, and nearly every story he tells about them contains a “tough guy” in a pink shirt.  These pink shirt guys all seem to be assholes who are nasty to waitresses, say rude things to girls at bars, and bully just about anyone who is weaker then them.  They pick on the weak, then  most of the time all somebody has to say to them is something like “Nice shirt.. do they make it in men’s?” to shut them down.

That doesn’t always work though and I think a couple of them ended up knocked out  and piled up behind a TGI Fridays dumpster.

(The following excerpt is taken from Ben Franklin’s personal diary)

"Today Lodi popped into my head. Summer 1979 Lodi, running chinese fire drills around a Gremlin in heavy traffic, with three dog night blasting on the radio.

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Some say the worst way to go is drowning.  I beg to differ, as most kids will tell you the worst way to go is the dinosaur burn up.  It’s true. Just ask any kid what’s the worst way to die, then give them a couple crayons and some paper.

9 times out of 10 they come back with a picture of either a dinosaur or a dragon burning up a guy. 

This lady that I work with comes to my deskish area and says, Oh hey I thought of you this weekend, because I know how much you like bunnies Read the rest of this entry »

Scribblenauts is the newest and most addictive DS game to hit the streets. I threw all my other games out as they are now obsolete.

Please vote to tell us:

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Riding scooters and yelling. The dogs, even the dogs know that these little children… are wrong.

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He kind of makes you feel sad like that song about the electric bear from The Notwist. His parents had better send him to boarding school in his preteen years, and while he is away they had better move and leave no forwarding address.

Tourists must see hot spot.

When you have a dog sometimes either you start to look like your dog or your dog can look like you.  Hopefully you have a cute dog and you will become cuter.  I have a cute dog, but I never got cuter.  But I don’t think that becoming tiny and white and with a little black nose is really that attractive to anyone except for little old ladies who like their old men with white fluffy shoulder hair.  I knew this kid whose father was all covered in fluffy white hair like that.  When the mother would cut his hair, they would have to get out a razor and try to cut a shape around the front and the back of his neck to separate his chest hair from the beard and the hair on his head from his back hair.   These people were low forehead caveman types so you kind of expect them to be hairy, but this was extreme.  They also say you start to look like the person you are married to so I wonder if that guy’s mother has white fluffy hair all over her now.  When the father dies the kids will all look at their mother and say,”God you remind me of Dad, can I shave your neck to distinguish your chest and back hair?”

That is not a giant bar of soap that the baboons are attacking.  It is icy fruit the delicious summer treat that no monkey can resist.  One time I was driving through this zoo and all these monkeys were jumping up and down on top of my car and this one little monkey had a real angry face and he kept jumping on this one spot with extra force and he made a dent in my roof.  So I reached my hand out and tried to swat him off but he bit my hand with those tiny sharp monkey teeth.  Then he jumped back and wagged his finger at me as if to say NO! and all the other monkeys were jumping and making noises like they were laughing and all my friends were like you got dissed by a monkey.

Who says there aren’t any jobs available?  You an always move to the UK and become an ass holder.

A baby Ass dragging werewolf thinks a chicken is his mother. He grows up to lead pack of chickens. A bearded man makes him a nest of bacon to lay his eggs. Only he’s a wolf and a guy so he doesn’t lay eggs.  He just lays a giant crap in his nest  and every morning he terrorizes the farm by dragging streaks of  bacon grease and wolfman feces across the lawn and carpets.

http://www.fuckingcloakingdevice.com/

I wonder if this guy got the job?

If you’ve ever wondered how your co-workers manage to shit on the back of the toilet at work, now you know.

It’s all thanks to the company who offers a shitting platform for people who apparently sit in public restrooms naked and barefoot.

Their name will not be mentioned here.  We don’t want to encourage this type of thing.  Imagine the damage caused if  this got into the hands of the explosive diarrhea sufferers who already spray where they should not.

He thinks that tail is a worm. Yes the end is near.  Ass draggers can fly.