The year-1964. The location-Madrid, Spain. Esteemed scientist Juan Flamingo had 2 passions in life – woman and boxing. Unfortunately he also suffered from two interest obliterating afflictions – chronic erectile dysfunction and a mortal fear of a gloved fist caving in his face. Not content to let the loves of his life go unrequited, the troubled test tube technician set to work on scratching his womanizing and mitted fisticuffs adoration itch.

Read the rest of this entry »

Rancho Cucamonga, CA – While browsing the internet during study hall one fall afternoon, high school hurdle hopper Harold Hamstrung came across a website dedicated to video game speed runs. Taking great pride in defending his state champion track team, The Cucamonga Crotch Crickets, the teen star sprinter immediately set out to best those records of digital deftness. Henry chose to best the time of 9 minutes 15 seconds in Super Mario Bros 2 under the assumption if he could run a 4 minute mile he would have to exert minimum effort to crush the record. Unfortunately, having spent his formative years running in circles, he had never even held a game controller and no amount of team spirit could motivate Mario to do anything but jump in place. Believing that winners never quit, Henry was found in his room 14 days later still on level 1-1 and suffering from severe leg atrophy. Ironically enough will now spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair with all the time in the world to get his game on.

Artwork adapted from Zombie Mario Tee available HERE

The above photo was recently taken at the fine go-go bar ‘Tittilations’ in scenic Bloomfield, NJ.  This convenient stench dispenser was appropriately placed right next to the urinal.  I would like to take the time to thank the owners of this fine establishment for giving me the option of smelling like a Persian hair-net model from the early 1990′s all while donating my grocery money to their scantily clad and cesarean scar covered staff. Your brand of higher class and immaculate taste is greatly appreciated. I can only dream of how many post-urination/pre-hand wash mitts have pulled those knobs to be greeted with a bouquet of bountiful bliss.

I wrote this tirade on this game tape a few months back and it was just lingering in Word Press purgatory. Here is a review of a many months old game that no one really cared about. Including myself.

Damn Red Octane! You’ve got your target market on lock.  I mean, it’s not like the youth of today listen to Hot Topic Presents-Goth Jams 6 or care about the latest Lil’ Mama dance craze song about menstrual cramps. They obviously want to rapidly tap rainbow hued buttons along to a band that was popular when their Dad’s were still hiding under their bunk bed and fanning one out to a centerfold of Cloris Leachman. The developers of Guitar Hero have their finger on the pulse of the gaming demographic and that heart beats Aerosmith!

Read the rest of this entry »

Subject: Dr. Light.

Esteemed roboticist Dr. Thomas Light has long been under saucy scrutiny for his near obsessive creations of moppet machines and automatous adolescents. Light’s first foray into puerile android companionship resulted in the construction of Proto-Man. Outfitted with a dashing scarf and fanciful red and grey outfit to-die-for, Light became quickly infatuated. Light’s incessant advances and perverse handling proved too much for even the Proto-Shield to deflect and Proto-Man soon went rogue and disappeared. Read the rest of this entry »

Street Fighter Tribute

I’ve had alot of obsessions in my day. Comics, records, pizza, mid 90′s porn, rare sneakers (worst hobby ever), horror movies, etc. The one infatuation that has persisted through my rapid accruement of life years has been my unfading affection for all things Street Fighter. I have yet to bear the fruits of my groin, so I think it’s safe to say the greatest chest swelling pride I have ever experienced is the moment I learned the universe solving equation of forward, down, down-diagonal=Shoryuken. I’m partially exaggerating. Read the rest of this entry »

When I was about 6 years old I had a Dad crafted fort in my back yard. It was basically just 3 pieces of wood nailed together to form a triangle with a back on it and a curtain for the door. All I had in there was a Superman movie poster and a little lock box that I kept crackers, pepperoni, and a few Superman comics in. It was my mini-me fortress of solitude. Read the rest of this entry »

There was a point in time that I was a total wrestling junkie. I can admit this with no shame in my game because it was in the early 90’s and around the same time I was also wearing a Napalm Death t-shirt and masturbating to a pre-self inflicted headshot splattered Savannah. I remember an instance when I was reenacting moves with my younger brother, who was probably around 8 years old at the time. For some reason, all logic escaped my brain and I delivered a pretty solid back-breaker to him. The exact moment his pre-teen spine connected with my bony knee I knew I done fucked up. I stared in horror as he lay on the carpet motionless and sobbing gently. Holy shit, I paralyzed my baby brother. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Internet,

Sometimes I wish Al Gore never ate that quarter pound of ‘shrooms and invented you. Before you came along, I took pride in and enjoyed being part of little movements and sub-cultures that molded me into the man child I am today. Those are all near extinct thanks to your infinite vaginal squirting of information and easily available tools to create instant cool in the youth of today.

I know this may all sound like bitter old man banter or maybe even elitist, but fuck it. I’m 100% anti-ego and have the self esteem of a sea slug, but I can flaunt that I know my shit. Coming up as a kid with heavy interests in music there was no world wide web for me to turn to and have some pretentious music site or hipster blog fill me in on what’s “now” or whatever trend is fashionable. I had to earn it. No free full musical library downloads to give me immediate cred. It was about actively seeking new labels and artists and taking chances with your limited funds to hopefully stumble upon something fresh. Read the rest of this entry »

Ya know, this book got me to thinking that old Michael Landon take on the Wolfman catches a lot of unnecessary flack. Sure he eschewed normal man-wolf behavior and opted to choke a bitch out instead of dispatching a victim in the expected feral fashion, but the man was breaking down stereotypes. The average woof-man would likely bare fangs then proceed to gnaw off an arm while claw slashing an abdomen to midriff release a steaming miles long pile of intestinal fortitude. Not ol’ Landon, the Highway to Heaven creep took lupine mannerisms to an up close and personal vibe and wrapped paws around neck and gave it a furry pressurized squeeze. I could only imagine the victims thoughts as she was being loomed down upon by an adult male sized plushie. “Is this beast going to hug me or pelvic thrust my leg? Oh wow, those hairy mitts are kind of soft on my collar. Oh shit, this mutt is strangling me. Does Wolfman really have nards?” Read the rest of this entry »