I’m cornbread eating mad. I was at the fruit store looking for come jujuberries and this little girl starts looking at me pointing at the strawberry and saying “That’s you! That’s you.”

The mother said, “I’m sorry.” to me, but when the little girl asked “Mommy why is that man’s nose red with black pores like that?” the mother whispered, “He’s a drunk. Like your daddy!”

Big Clark was one of the greatest singers of the 20th century. The key to becoming a superior singer is hot dog grease. It lubricates your vocal cords and increases your range.

Clark said, “That was my secret to success when I was singing all the songs on my 1973 vinyl release “Dick Clark “20 Years of Rock N’ Roll”

They used to put my songs on the back of cereal boxes. Can you imagine? It’s all thanks to that hot dog grease.

Lozaq the father lived next door to us.   He looked like a gentle child molester with light dog shit colored hair, and sadly he was the most normal of the family. The second most normal was the grandfather.  He a futuristic old man in a silver shining jacket, space boots and a cowboy hat.  He was born in 1900 and as a boy he said “I’m going into the future.” 

The mother was a screechy garble mouthed witch. The two daughters were dirty blonde.  They had actual dirty blonde hair, not the kind you’re thinking of.  There were plenty of sores on their skin to go with that.  

Someone had written FUCK in Elmer’s glue on the green concrete foundation of the house and it’s been there for more than 20 years even if they did try to cover it up with vinyl siding.

Wisely,  our father told us years later when the house was condemned, “Stay outta there. There’s AIDS crawling up the walls.” 

The Lozaq’s had a dog names Snoopy. The poor thing stayed outside all year long chained up to a doghouse of the same style as the one in the comic strip.   

Years after the house was condemned I was clearing out a section of the overgrown yard to use as a parking spot.  Snoopy’s doghouse was still there, with Snoopy inside.  A few bones and a collar.  Poor little guy had died alone and been left there all those years

I’m not sure where any of the Lozaq’s ended up, but my hope is that they met the same fate as poor Snoopy.  Just a few piles of rotting bones laying in a box somewhere forgotten.

Post you guesses below.

“Did you ever hear about the movie less than zero?  That’s about your brain power.”

I grew in the ghetto of my town, but I never knew it until I read it in the paper years later.  I didn’t have a ghetto blaster though,  I called mine a boom box.

When we first moved into the house, the back yard was full of empty turtle shells because the previous tenants liked turtle soup. My my sister’s bedroom had a giant treasure chest filled with sand and cigarette butts.  We kids weren’t even allowed to stay at the place for the first couple weeks because the conditions were so poor.  It took all my parent’s had to get the place up to standards, but they did it.  So well in fact that  I really never knew we were living in the ghetto.

My neighbor taught me how to electrocute yourself with the loose wires behind the tv for fun. We were switching from tv to video so we could play some Berzerk on Atari 2600. 

Read the rest of this entry »

Whether you’re sure someone is dying this year, or you just hope they are, be sure to wish them a Happy Final Birthday!

I asked my friend’s father if he had any toy robots when he was a kid. 

He told me, “Robots are from before my time.”

I had no idea he had come from so far in the future. 

I unscrewed it and drank the perfume from the unicorn’s horn. I was a little kid, but I knew better.  That’s when I learned no matter how nice they smell, unicorns are filled with poison. (Based on a true story)

Art by: Bixby

That sun is a reptile and after this, he ain’t never shinin’ her way again.

Art by: bixby

You used to get 3 lives for 25 cents 
No continues 
And you liked it. 

Belgian tourist, Julio Prejean, witnessed the terrorizing occurrence while vacationing in Honolulu, Hawaii.

Prejean told police, “It was a safe and happy afternoon. After we hiked up to Diamond Head for some sight seeing. We drove up to the shrimp truck, it’s a little catering truck, for some lunch.

We noticed a lot of feral cats circling around. I asked the shrimp truck worker about it and he told me that each day after lunch it was their policy to dump the leftovers near the beach. The feral cats are a local attraction and it keeps the tourists coming. I started taking some pictures with my phone of the cats. They looked unusual. The whole group of them was piling onto each other, salivating, and became a sort of pulsating mound. The closer I got the more stressed they became. I backed off. A woman in a bathing suit who didn’t seem to notice their behavior walked right up to them and tried to hand feed them a garlic lemon shrimp. I don’t know if it was the garlic, the bikini, or what but the cat mound exploded at her. Before anybody knew what was happening they took her down and dragged her off. I tried to snap off a couple pictures, but couldn’t get a clear one. You know how they show cats fighting in a cartoon where it’s just a bit cloud with claws coming out here and there? It was something like that.”

Read the rest of this entry »

That’s the assistant mayor. The mayor has beige pants, the assistant mayor has white pants and sneakers

In college,  a professor asked the class why does the black community reject Michael Jackson?  (This was before MJ died and made his big comeback)  Most of the students looked puzzled. 

A lone voice spoke with authority stating, “He bleach his self.”

The professor said, “That’s right!”

I don’t remember what class that was, but I do remember the valuable lesson I learned that day. Grammar doesn’t matter once you reach 13th grade. 

My dog posed for a sketch.  I placed him on interview.  He is a French serial killer.  French is the language of tongue curling.

He said, “Everybody makes a big deal about killing hookers like it’s such an accomplishment. Where’s the challenge in that?  How about a serial killer who kills bosses.  I mean that would be impressive.  Tell me about a guy  who has been at the same job for 17 years and killed every boss he ever had. Now you’ve got my interest. 

Back in France killing people is easy. It’s the same as with cats. You don’t really think about it, you just do the killing. I’m working my way through the crowd.  That’s how you do it. Slow and steady.

Did you hear about the puppy serial killer?  A little dachshund and he’s been through 65 foster families in less than a year.  I don’t know how he’s getting away with it, but that little guy impresses me.”

I think my dog is a liar, otherwise I’m not sure how I’ve survived this long. 

I overheard some hipsters talking at the flea market. The one hipster says to the other hipster , “One thing I’ll never be able to get behind again is VHS tapes.”

Kid you were never behind VHS tapes.  We were there from the beginning, renting copies Alien’s Deadly Spawn and any other random Horror movie that looked slightly interesting.  If you were behind VHS you adjusted your tracking with a knob, not a button, and you didn’t care if you were fucking up the rental tape rewinding the good part over and over.  That part was already buzzing the tape heads and showing white lines anyway.  You just hoped it didn’t break because tapes cost hundreds of dollars to replace due to high licensing costs.  You were behind VHS if your parents bought an $800 Toshiba toploader from the electronics store in town when they definitely could not afford it and they made it clear, you better not fuck it up.

Read the rest of this entry »

You don’t see acting like this every day.

 

Our turkey who art in heaven,

hollow be thy breast.

Thy stuffing come

Thy meats be done

on plates as it is in heaven.

Thank you this day for bloated guts,

and forgive us our passed gasses,

as we forgive those who pass gass against us,

and lead us not into indigestion,

but deliver us from hunger.

 

Amen. 

(Adapted from the Lord’s Prayer with permission from God)

Instead of saying sweet dreams, I say "Good night. I hope you don’t have too many nightmares."

Instead of saying drive safe, she says, "Good night. Don’t die driving home."

Back then you could buy a tankful of feeder guppies for just a few cents.  You could pick up an old fish tank out of the garbage, fill it with some gravel, throw a couple plastic army men in there, and have yourself  a genuine aquarium.  

Dad will tell you that if you breed them you can get fancy guppies. Guppies give birth to live babies.  Hundreds of them.  You may find one golden guppy that is your favorite.  He might grow up to have a fancy tail.

Don’t listen to your Dad.    You’ll believe it, when he tells you that adding two small drops of Clorox bleach will be good for the tank.  The chlorine will clear up the water, but when every fish comes up dead, it’s going to be your fault.  He’ll just tell you that you must have used too much bleach and it’s your fault they’re dead.

A modern day translation of Ernest Hemingway’s short story Hills Like White Elephants

Hill related Ebrol long valley and white. No, there was no shadow, hanging between two lines of rails in the sun next to the station and train station nearby trees, in the shadow of the building on this side of the curtain strings of beads and not warm bamboo flights, Bar open Saturday, he and the girl in the shade outside the United States and construction of the table. It has a very popular, 40 minutes express train from Barcelona. About two minutes later, Madrid, I stopped
at the intersection down.

“How can we do this? Nomo” said the girl. If you have a hat that is on the table.
The man said: ” It’s very hot. “Whoever will drink beer.”  and in Munmak “servezas.”
Doors, women? “Large”.
“Yes, two giant”
Woman I have two feelings and two glasses of beer. I think in a beer glass on the table, she saw a man and a girl.

The girl on the mountain line. His country brown and drying in the sun, it was white.

“They look like white maggots,” she said.

Read the rest of this entry »